Over the past couple of weeks I have been making a conscious effort to recognise the positive in my life. Some days that isn’t too easy. For years I have allowed negatives and set backs to colour my perspective, unsurprisingly that lead to a general feeling of bleakness as regards the future.
In a few years 14 will finish school, between now and then her father and I have to decide what would be best for her. There will be input from education and transition professionals but unfortunately due to her lack of language and limited abilities the one person who can’t have a say is our daughter herself. The onus is entirely with us to make the best choices for her. At present it seems that 14 is likely to be living at home with me giving up work to be with her on a full-time basis.
So I am thinking about what I can do to continue to contribute to my family and to still have and be something for myself. I am telling myself that there are options, that I need to explore those and then work to make the right one for me and our family a reality. I am working on seeing this as yet another change and not an end.
Last evening as I prepared to take 14 to bed I knew there was something cling, she had that look of trouble brewing. As I reached out to hold her hand to take her to bed she grabbed my glasses from my face with a growl and bent one of the arms. My thoughts were not positive. Instead I heard the ringing of barriers closing, horizons close and my future vanish as I became a prisoner with a person who could behave so difficultly with no provocation. Or none that I could see.
This morning I woke not feeling much more positive. Then I stopped. I looked at 14 snoozing on the sofa and Rosie doing the same on the armchair beside me and knew I had to relish that peaceful quiet moment.
I hope that whatever today has in store for you that you are able to have a moment of peace and calm.
Lynn x
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